Dear single brothers and sisters,
Since we are still in the week of love, allow me to share with you my love as a single. My love comes in form of words (refer to previous post) so here is my take on being single and secure.
First of all, being single is not a disease or disorder that you have to sympathize with me now that I’m single. Some of us are single because we got dumped, some of us just choose to be single as we wait on our partners and some of us are just single because we find relationships hard and so much unnecessary effort, whatever the situation do not sympathize with us. On the flip side, we who are single throw ourselves pity parties whenever we can. Grab some wine, download some sad RnB’s, grab a blanket and your phone, now stalk all the lovely couples you know and cry about not being in a relationship. What is your goal? To enjoy being single or to cry about being single?
Being single is a season (refer to my post on seasons), it may be bad, it may be good it all depends on how you view it. I have been single for a while now and I have gathered a few lessons about being single that I’d love to share with you,
Here we go……
- Dear singles, stop with the relationship advice.
I know being single you have all the time to analyze, read about, research and even write essays about relationships. We feel like we have so much knowledge about relationships but the one bit if wisdom we forget to carry along with our knowledge is that every relationship is unique.
As singles we have one or two friends who are in relationships and every once in a while we hear them complain about their partners doing this or that and there we are with our relationship encyclopedias ready to work on this relationship wound. Let’s just be honest, we always want to act judge but we are such biased judges because we really do not care about the other partner’s feelings. And we just want to have our friends with us most of the time.
I don’t dispute you probably have the knowledge and maybe some past history too but this is different. You are on the outside looking in but only those on the inside know for sure what is going on. You may have at one time been on the inside with probably the person who’s on the inside now but once you got out things changed. The landlord renovated the entire thing, it isn’t the same anymore. Besides these are different people, you can’t treat a different person like he/she was just like every other person.
Now, I get that there are times you’ll have to probably share your insight on certain stuff. Do just that, give pointers. Give them the formula let them work out the methods themselves. Y’all who are dating, stop getting dating advice from singles. Talk to those that are actually walking in that direction, we may have been friends for years but there are things I just cannot help you in.
For singles, this calls for some other level of discipline. I, for instance, had to keep reminding myself that I needed to stay away from giving dating advice to those dating. I would open my mouth and go like, “Uchey, you are not dating, what do you know”. I had to learn this the hard way. Learn the discipline of being on the sidelines.
2. Heal first then move on!!
This is specifically for those that are single as a result of a relationship that ended. I’m gonna share my story to explain this point.
Once upon a time, I dated a guy for a little over five years. More like five and a half years. When you are with someone for five years, you forget how it feels being alone and once you are alone you become dysfunctional. I would really love to say that I got over him immediately and moved on as if nothing happened but let’s be a little bit real, it took me months. There are days I would find myself calling him just to find out how he is doing and I’d hate myself for calling him and when the healing process for hard, I figured I should probably date another guy. Very very stupid idea right there!
Once you date someone for whatever amount of time, being alone becomes hard after that. You have to deal with that and most of us are afraid of the voids, the tears and having to detach. Yet that is what it takes to regain your happiness. It took me an entire year after that to acknowledge that I had not healed and I needed to heal. How did I do it? I spent so much time alone, I literally withdrew myself from friends and the world generally. I had some ME time and I prayed and fasted and just asked God to restore my joy. As a result of this, I became confident in my skills, who I am and even more confident in being single and actually knowing why I choose to be single.
Another thing I learnt about this healing time, this is that point where you always just want to reach out to your ex’s. It may or may not be immediately but it will definitely happen. If you are not careful you will end up reconsidering dating all over again because the void of being alone is just too much and you don’t wanna go through it then you keep remembering what you had and how it felt so nice now you wanna reach out and patch things up. This is how I see it, if I’ll patch things up with an ex, we both have to go through the healing process and I need to too. We cannot patch things up when we have baggage from when we were together. Heal then we can move on.
3.Stop making idols of relationships
Some of us singles want so badly to be in relationships that we make idols of relationships.
What is an idol really? Anything that takes the position of God in your life (words taken directly from my pastors mouth). I was once that girl, I practically worshiped being in a relationship. I just wanted to have a guy. Say, God answered my prayers then and gave me a guy, that guy would have been my idol.
As a single person, your whole focus should be on building your relationship with God first. Be secure in Christ, grow as a Christian, be of service to God and work on your relationship with God first. What this does to you it makes you look at having a boyfriend or girlfriend as a blessing and not as your everything. The same things apply to having a good job, growing your career, having a great family, having superb friends. All these are blessings and not your everything.
It is so sad that in this day and age we have people committing suicide because their guy or girls left them, because they got fired and the like. This is because this things took up the position of God in your life and now they are gone. God is everlasting.
It is sad that in this generation, we want good grades, a great job, a perfect partner, a great life and then we want to add God to the equation to make everything balance out right. A few posts here and there then a post about thanking God so my life is complete, it doesn’t work like that my dear. God needs to be the centre of everything.
4. Work on yourself!
Now that you are single and you have all the time, work on building yourself. Know your strengths, be aware of your weaknesses. Work on restoring your joy, cut or add some weight, learn your passions, be of service just work on your wellness and being a whole complete person.
And when you are blessed with another relationship, you will be a whole healthy person inside and outside.
Share with me what has helped you through your single season and some lessons you have learnt:
Leave a comment below and don’t forget to share 😊😊